Tonight we broke the digital dumbometer. The analog one, being a more robust tool, ended up 2 cards away from its timely demise.
Like 2 stomachs from immoral girls (later simply called sluts).
Even the things that were not supposed to be weird were weird - like the real nude aerobics.
Sh: And the girls survived until they died after something stupid happened.
C: Something stupid happened in every single scene of the movie.
C: I vote we make a list of all of the stupid things in this movie. We will stop at 80, because otherwise we’d be here all night.
1. frying the face of a woman.
2. having woman come with a battered head.
3. her friend who went to the weird sex dungeon and then requsted help from the guy that brought her there.
4. the lady at the beach who nakedl
t up psycho number 2
5. her random death
6. and the reaction of her date (most believable horror movie consequencies reaction I’ve seen)
7. the very concerned / enthusiastic paleontologist
8. the boss of the policemen. Just him and his campiness.
9. the scene where the cop ran into psycho number 2 and threw a sandwich at his ass
10. psycho killer uncle. enough said.
11. ancient ritual police procedural.
12. the complicated unnecessary sideplot where the uncle avenges his death by killing policemen’s lineage
13. brain in a jar. this is number 13. we thought of 12 other things before it!
14. guy who was a vegetarian food expert.
15. vomiting scene.
16. continuing to order after vomiting scene.
17. psycho Stan (puppet guy).
18. who was almost recruited to do stuff for the mystical ritual.
19. and puppet warned him against it.
20. the puppet being a regular customer at the diner, even when Stan isn’t there. AND THE DINER IS FULL OF CUSTOMERS.
21. the puppet coming with him to investigate crime.
22. the fact that the puppet had a fag, it was smoking the entire time.
23. just the look of the puppet.
24. the entire puppet enterainment show programme.
25. resurection procedure number 2. collecting body parts from specific people, arranging them in a specific way, painting them gold and sewing them together.
26. war on vegetarians.
27. Shitta’s stomach hole / giant mouth.
28. with teeth on her mouth.
29. ending scene.
30. reverse hellraiser.
31. mystical dismemberment.
32. mystical reassembly.
33. 29: on the other hand, so much effort to lure her in. what are you gonna do? the monster will eat you anyway, why not fuck the monster?!
34. the constantly changing requirements for the mythical resurrection procedure number 2.
35. having to read from an ancient book.
36. secretly feeding vegetarians meet.
37. eyeballs hidden in olive bolws.
38. accidentally discovering a bullet in the food.
39. psycho number 2’s obsession with wrestling.
40. the wrestling match to get people on board for the party.
41. taking random drugs at the club.
42. taking random drugs that look like hard candy at the club.
43. being served mystical soup at the club.
44. eating it anyway
45. hitler wrestler.
46. putin cutouts
47. cemetary security guard - unfortunately we need that profession too.
48. mythical resurrection procedure number 1: the brain.
49. opening up a 20-year-old grave to dig out the brain.
50. next step: revive a goddess. otherwise you’ll just be stuck with brain.
51. having to get fresh eyeballs though.
52. now the brain can talk, even though it has no mouth.
53. it can even be heard on the phone.
54. psycho uncle’s grave saying “I’ll be back”
55. how many times can you feed a goddess some victims before she becomes alive?
56. psycho number 1 having psychic abilities.
57. chopping your uncle in half.
58. psycho number 1 and 2’s incredible wardrobe choices.
59. nude aerobics
60. psycho 2 having fun with vans.
61. preparing a vegetable model of Shitta.
62. dealing with tax inspectors 101
63. mystical amulets
64. having to spend some time learning shit before the resurrection
65. playing with heads. that happened.
66. never knowing why they had a diner.
67. dedicating your life to opening a diner so you can summon Shitta.
68. master exploder.
69. indiana jones vibe.
70. exposition dumps and dramatic stories. tons of them.
71. sassy policewoman.
72. her colleague who shoots his gun next to his head
73. fully dressing up Shiita, including acrylic nails. because if you’re not wearing nails, you’re not doing drag.
74. la cucaracha car?!
75. the title “Blood Diner”. Says it all. This movie is the ultimate you can hope to get when you decide to watch a movie called “Blood Diner”.
76. the title managing to still somehow have the element of surprise.
77. random homeless lady who found a hand in the bin. which didn’t affect anything.
78. Stan spraying his puppet with oil?
79. this movie broke the dumbometer. which is now a characteristic of the movie as well as an event within it.
80. baseball battered head.
81. nobody noticing any of the weird shit that’s going on.
82. and after all this, they didn’t even summon Shitta in a diner. they had to make another diner in a fucking club.
83. the moon aligning with jupiter.
84. and then you get a window in the universe.
85. “trespassers will be eaten”, written as “trespassers will be eat in”, which they wrote on the diner before they left for somewhere.
86. them being back in the next scene.
87. the police talking to the puppet.
88. the puppet hitting on the police.
89. over 5000 years since you last used your penis.
90. hypnotising clocks.
C: I don’t have anything else to say. Any movie that has all of this is fine by me.
Sh: All this mystical dismemberment and reassembly. It’s a gallery of experiences, this movie.
Digital dumbometer: ERROR (100+).
Analog dumbometer: -78, +855. In addittive terms, the score is both 855 and 855+78=933.
Final score: 1033+
Sh: This movie was so diverse that it deserves every single point it gets. Plus the broken dumbometer phenomenon.
C: Should we also give it a prize, or is breaking the dumbometer a prize of its own?
Sh: Breaking the dumbometer is of course an honour in itself, not many movies will get to do it. That said, we could still give it “Mystical Reassembly”